Feeling Wanted
by Anjel Starlight
Summary: While Kurt is coming to realize that he is okay with wanting to be with Blaine again; Blaine is giving up... on everything. Warnings: spoilers and triggers. Now with Prequel and two Sequels!
1. Wanted

**A/N: This is a songfic, but it will probably the longest one you have ever read. I tried to integrate the lyrics as much as possible, so there were not just a block of text. Please excuse any mistakes, I do not have a beta.**

**Song: Wanted by Hunter Hayes**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters depicted in this story. This is a work of fan fiction.**

**Spoilers: recent season four episodes**

**Triggers: suicidal thoughts/talk**

"talking"

_thinking_

_"singing"_

**_"both singing" - scene change_**

**Enjoy**

* * *

There is a silence in his room. A silence that has not broken since the last time Kurt was here, the last time Blaine held Kurt as his boyfriend. No matter how much noise he tried to make when he was desperate, or how quietly he tried to breathe to see if he could stop the breaking of his heart; Blaine could not easy any of it.

Until today.

It was not until this morning when he woke up to his alarm instead of from a nightmare, that he knew how to stop the silence, to ease the pain.

Blaine took in a deep breath through his nose before he opened his eyes to look at the picture on his bedside table. The smiling face looking lovingly back at him caused a small smile to creep up onto his own lips as he released his breath.

He remembered when he took it. It was one of their movie nights and Blaine thought it would be funny to copy the guy in the rom-com rolling across the screen by taking photos of his boyfriend. Kurt thought he was being silly and refused to pose for him. The curly haired boy was relentless though. He had caught this look by accident.

Blaine had told Kurt he loved him with the biggest grin on his face; the blue-eyed young man told him he was ridiculous, and Blaine's finger slipped on the camera capture button.

It has been on his bedside table ever since he printed it out.

Forcing his hazel eyes away from the photo, he looked across his room, immediately able to differentiate between the items that were his and those that were Kurt's. Blaine felt his throat begin to close up and he turned back to the photo.

_"You know I'd fall apart without you,"_ he whispered, afraid that Kurt might actually hear him. Hear him singing, hear him speaking, hear his heart shattering. "But I need to help you stop hurting, and I need to stop... hurting too."

* * *

_"I don't know how you do what you do."_ Kurt shook his head and flipped onto his other side, "Did."

With a groan the brunette teen resisted the temptation to try and force the thoughts from his head by blunt-force trauma from his pillow. Or the wall... or bed post... or his alarm clock.

Funny how the items kept getting less blunt.

"Do _not _think about him!" Sighing wistfully, Kurt attempted to settle in again; eyes closed and the tension seeping out of his face... but not his shoulders. "Of course, as soon as I say it—ugh!"

Jerking into a sitting position, Kurt tried to find anything in his 'room' that would distract his mind from—

But everything just reminded him of his ex-beau.

The Dalton fountain pen—Dalton, where he met Blaine.

His satchel—Blaine used to take it after lunch so he could carry it for Kurt.

The t-shirt he was wearing—he was somehow convinced he needed regular t-shirts for lounging.

The stuffed dog—God! The stuffed dog...

No. _That_ would bring him to tears.

_"'Cause everything that don't make sense about me—"_

* * *

_"It makes sense when I'm with you..."_ the curly haired young man found himself breathing deeper and deeper in an attempt to not cry, despite the large smile on his face. "With you."

Behind his closed eyes, he was seeing it as clear as if it was just happening.

Here was this boy (beautiful, beautiful boy), who clearly did not go to Blaine's school, asking what was going on. He knew that this boy was here for spying; whether it was for the Warbler's or not, he could not tell. Until he started to talk about his glee club and saw the recognition in the boy's (beautiful) eyes, how this Kurt (oh Kurt) knew that the Warbler's were a glee club without Blaine having to say that.

* * *

Kurt could not seem to take his eyes away from the stuff dog.

It was tucked away in the corner, under a set of throw pillows that Kurt took off his bed at night. But he could still see it... looking at him, with its eyes. Blaine's eyes.

They had each won each other a dog at one of those stupid mall parking lot carnivals, exchanging them because Blaine wanted the one with the blue eyes. Kurt almost put up a fight, but the one Blaine was holding had hazel eyes.

So the brunette only made it seem like he was a little put-out by the trade.

"Oh god." There was no stopping the tears now, his nightly skin-care routine ruined, _"Like everything that's green, boy I need you."_

It was like a bolt of lightning. "I need you."

Stumbling up from his bed he rushed over to the pillow pile, going straight for the stuffed dog and not caring what he knocked over in the process. He stared into those hazel eyes and his shoulders relaxed, for the first time in weeks... his shoulders relaxed. "I need you. Blaine."

* * *

He looked down at the picture in his hand, not remembering when he picked it up. Smiling softly, he put the frame back onto the small table and stroked along the line of Kurt's cheek before he withdrew. Blaine pressed his knuckles to his eyes and gave a weak chuckle before he stood, knowing that moving around will help keep the tears at bay.

"I need you, not to hurt anymore. _But it's more than one and one makes two._" Opening his closet door he looks down at the folded boxes leaning against the back wall, "It's more than me wanting you back."

As Blaine made work of pulling out all of the boxes and unfolding them, a lightness began to settle in his chest. A lightness, that had not been there in weeks. "_So put aside the math and the logic of it_. We know that systems never really worked with us."

Calloused hands froze as the last box was unfolded, "Even when there is no 'us'."

He pulled away from the pile of empty boxes and started making his way around his room. At first he just looked at Kurt's things and where they were set out, memorizing how they looked... how natural it all still looked. The second round—he began picking all of it up, everything that was given to him by Kurt or Kurt accidently left.

No matter how much stuff he carried back to his bed, he laid it all out neatly, reverently because he could never be mad at Kurt. He did not deserve to have such an emotion. Especially, towards Kurt.

Kurt. _"You gotta know you're wanted too."_

* * *

Kurt sighed into the stuffed dog. Even through the dust and the smell of New York loft apartment—Blaine was still there. His scent was still there.

They both used to make each other hold the dogs whenever they were at the other's house, just so that they could have a little bit bigger piece of one another when they were away. Kurt had made Blaine hold his dog for two whole hours before the blue-eyed boy even started to pack for New York.

Blaine. He just smiled through the whole ordeal.

A smile spread over his lips as he turned quickly back towards his bed, nearly tripping over the scattered pillows in the neon light lit darkness. He needed his phone. _"I wanna wrap you up."_

Phone in hand (he did not slip on his thrown off sheets, he dived into bed on purpose, Rachael and Santana waking up be damned), his finger shook as he unlocked it and opened his contact list. Before he scrolled through them, he held his phone to his chest; bringing the dog up so he could kiss it lightly.

_"Wanna kiss your lips."_ Kurt opened his eyes and moved his finger across his phone's screen. "Blaine."

* * *

Knelt next to his bed, all Blaine could do was look helplessly from item to item laid out over his duvet.

Kurt's skull scarf—that he had given to Blaine for good luck when he left Dalton.

Kurt's white fedora—he complained about forgetting it at Blaine's house until he saw his curly-haired boyfriend wear it at school one day. He never asked for it back after that.

A small reel of black and white photos—they took those at the mall on a glee club outing. People had started to pile into the booth with them after the second shot.

The stuffed dog with blue eyes.

Maybe it was not lightness he was feeling.

"You would never want for anything, Kurt. I told you that once. _I wanna make you feel wanted._" Blaine picked up the stuffed dog and brought it to his nose. "He still smells like you, Kurt."

Again, he was whispering. It did not matter that Kurt was not here (it did, it did matter), he did not want to be heard. Not by Kurt. Not like this. "He smells like you, my Kurt. _I wanna call you mine._ Forever."

Pulling the dog away, he set it aside. It would be the last to go.

Slowly. So slowly, Blaine kissed and hugged each item that he pulled off his bed before he neatly began to fill his first box.

* * *

_Wanna hold your hand forever._

The first time that Blaine had taken Kurt's hand, in a more than just-friends way—had been magic. Absolute magic. When those guitar string calloused fingers had lain across those impossibly soft digits, it was forever.

Forever, because that is what soul-mates were for. Forever.

It was all in that moment. That one touch.

* * *

Blaine knows he should not, but he ends up with the dog in his lap again. Just looking at those too glassy blue-eyes. The fur was not Kurt's hair color. Nothing else to distinguish to anyone else that he got this stuffed animal just because it looked like Kurt.

Just the eyes. It had been the same with the one Kurt had gotten. It did not look like Blaine, it just sort of had the same eye color.

He doubted Kurt even had the dog.

_Yeah, he threw it away._

_"And never let you forget it."_ Blaine would not throw away his dog. So he set him aside.

He had work to do.

* * *

The brunette could almost not believe how he had treated Blaine.

Memories of unanswered calls, texts, Skype dates cut short, the sadness... How could he not notice the sadness.

He remembered it now. He could see it now. How could have he been so blind then?

"I'm sorry, Blaine. I don't—_Yeah I, wanna make you feel wanted._"

* * *

_"Anyone can tell you you're pretty,"_ Blaine sang softly.

_"You're beautiful Kurt. Please don't hide. I love you."_

* * *

_"Nice plié."_

Either that was the most charming thing to say to another man in England, or Adam had the weirdest way of flirting.

_"Hey, gorgeous. Unscheduled make-out? Your car?"_

Blaine sure knew how to turn something that should be rude into flattering with just his eyes. His beautiful hazel eyes.

* * *

_"Happy Anniversary! I got you a blackbird broach. You know, since we owe ou—"_

Kurt had not let Blaine finish speaking. Kurt was an excellent kisser. A beautiful young man with a beautiful soul. And he was an excellent kisser. And he was all Blaine's.

_"And you get that all the time, I know you do."_

At least he had been.

Blaine clenched his eyes shut as he battled against the tears, _Not now. I can do this._

With a new determination he continued to slowly fill the box. He had moved onto photos now.

_Kurt._

"You are beautiful without even trying. W-without—" he sucked in a sharp breath, holding it as long as he could before shakily letting it go. _Without me._ "_But your beauty's deeper than the makeup._

"And the hair-spray," Blaine whispered fondly, stroking the picture of Kurt just waking up. The brunette was cuddling his pillow, his hair in complete disarray but he was still smiling softly, looking at Blaine in exasperation.

* * *

_"Oh! There you are, I've been looking for you forever."_

Blaine sang _Teenage Dream_. Adam sang _Baby's Got Back_.

Was there even really a comparison?

Adam was a nice guy. Funny, even if the humor was a little dry.

Blaine was sweet. Goofy, in his geekiness and love for Disney.

God, his love for Disney.

He would keep Kurt up for hours watching Disney princess movies. He was sure that it was a personal goal of Blaine's to watch all those movies until Kurt had memorized all of the princesses' song lines. Which he did.

Success.

And it was exhausting. Tiring. And he felt like he was dating a five year old. And Blaine was impossible. And—

Kurt missed him.

_"And I wanna show you what I see tonight." _

Shaking away the tingling feeling shooting up his spine, Kurt put down the phone.

He could not call Blaine.

* * *

Blaine smiled sweetly down at the two professional photos in his hands. It had been prom.

Photos were always taken of the crown dance.

So there they were. Happy and in love. Kurt was in his arms and they were dancing gently, ignoring all of the hate that had gotten his prince a crown. _"When I wrap you up."_

The other photo was so sweet he had to kiss it himself. They were kissing, Kurt and him. With his arms around Blaine's shoulders and his scepter hanging loosely because the hazel-eyed young man had caused Kurt's leg to pop up.

_"When I kiss your lips."_ Taking another deep, shaky breath, he moved on from the photos. Placing the last of them into the box. "I need you—to not need me."

* * *

Kurt pushed the computer out of his lap and jumped up from his bed. He only had an hour until he needed to be at the airport. It was late so hopefully it would not take more than an hour more to get through security.

So he began to pack.

He did not need a lot. All he would need when he got to Lima... was Blaine.

"I am never saying good-bye to you again. _I wanna make you feel wanted._" Kurt brushed the new onslaught of tears from his eyes. It was almost ridiculous how happy he was right now. His chest was so warm and full of love. For Blaine.

"Oh, why will it take so long to get to you."

* * *

_God. Here come the tears._

"I need to do this, Kurt." Tear brimmed, hazle-eyes stared down at the top of the scrap book he was hugging to his chest. "I need for you to not think of me anymore. For you to not be split down the middle for the rest of your life because you're thinking about me. I need you to be h-hap-py."

A choked sob tore through his throat and Blaine looked up, in a weak attempt to stop the tears.

"You need to be happy... even if it isn't with m-me." Pressing his lips to the top of the book, he knew this was the hardest thing he would ever do in his life. _He still wants me._ "But I c-can't. I can't let you. You can't need me, want me. It-it h-hurts. B-but it-it's b-better."

An all-out sob shook his hunched shoulders; his body curled around the book like he needed to protect it, protect who it represented. It took Blaine several minutes before he got control of himself again.

_"I wanna call you mine."_

* * *

Kurt had just finished packing and was now just waiting on his cab. His watery blue-eyes staring down at Blaine's contact page. The tiny photo of his Blaine with his curls out refused to allow him to look anywhere else.

He could not help but laugh at his own sniffling. _Won't I be a sight when you see me._

_**"Wanna hold your hand forever."**_

Somehow Blaine had managed to release the scrap-book from his chest and was now just staring at the cover. If he allowed himself, he would never look at anything else ever again. It was a ridiculous notion.

So he laughed. A hollowed sound that made him wince.

But that was what he really needed. He needed to close his eyes and not watch as he packed the scrap-book away.

He knew that he would not go through with anymore if he watched. But things only seemed to get harder, because the only thing left besides the dog... was his bedside picture.

Blaine really did try not to cry any harder, his brother was still awake. The last thing he needed was to be interrupted right now. He needed to finish this.

His fingers were stroking the picture again before he even knew it was in his hands. He could only smile back at Kurt, through the tears and the pain... Kurt still made him smile. He did not even have to be there.

"I always l-loved you. _And never let you forget it._" Pink lips pressed lightly to Kurt's forehead before placing the framed photo on top of the neatly packed items in the box, closing it up with a cardboard lid.

* * *

_"'Cause Baby I, wanna make you feel wanted."_ Kurt could not keep from his feet bouncing against the plastic mat on the cab floor. They were not going fast enough, he needed to go faster. He needed to be there, with Blaine. He was so close to being with Blaine he could actually feel the shorter man's arms around him already. His breath against his neck. His heart beating against his chest and into Kurt's. _"As good as you make me feel."_

The brunette pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it, the screen lighting up with Blaine's contact page. He had to message him. He needed to know.

_To: Blaine _

_I'm heading back home. I still love you. Can we talk? |_

That stupid blinking text marker got him. He couldn't tell Blaine over a text.

No.

If he could not do it over the phone earlier, how the hell could he justify doing it over a text. Kurt could wait, Blaine needed to hear and see him say it face to face.

He deleted the message.

Instead, he shot one to his dad, telling him that he was coming into Lima and that he was going to talk to Blaine. And that Kurt might not see him because he would be at Blaine's for the rest of his stay.

"I can't wait to hold you, Blaine," Kurt whispered as he watched as the airport came into view.

* * *

Heaving the last box into place, Blaine sighed in relief and even managed to smile a little.

_"I wanna make you feel better."_

Kurt's box was on top, clearly marked with his name in cursive. All the others were just marked with a simple _B_.

It would be easier to clean out his room this way. All his personal effects were already packed, anything else could just be used for a guest room, or sold as-is without marking it as Blaine's.

* * *

Blue-eyes lit up in laughter, "_Better than your fairy tales._ Better than Disney, Harry Potter, or superheros."

Kurt let a small chuckle escape his lips.

Blaine had always been a geek.

It was all too clear in the things he watched or read. But it even bled over into their 'alone' time.

Kurt remembered when he had asked for them to have their 'alone' time in the dark for the first time, his curly-hair boyfriend had just laughed and turned out the lights, whispering, _"Nox."_ Then turning them back on with _"Lumos",_ when they spent too much time fumbling and laughing than enjoying the touches.

* * *

He had always known that Kurt would have his name up in lights. It was inevitable. Like Harry dying in the end.

Everyone knows it is going to happen, it's a freak prophecy! It is just the matter of when it will happen, not if.

_"Better than your best dreams."_

So whether he's starring on Broadway or featured in Vogue. Blaine knew Kurt was going to make something of himself. He also knew that he would watch over him as he did it, but he could not be in Kurt's life.

Blaine was holding him back.

And it killed him inside to know he was the reason Kurt could not move on.

"I need you to not hurt anymore."

* * *

_Oh! This wrinkled ol' bitch better get out of my way! You're hunched over for a reason! Gravity is trying to tell you something!_ As soon as he had enough room to get around her, Kurt began to run down the floor runner and quickly passing terminal after terminal. Long legs sure did come in handy for something. _"You're more than everything I need."_

When he slowed to a stop in front of his boarding station, the flight attendant finished taking tickets of first-class and moved on to boarding coach. He was the first one in line and the first seated. His carry-on clutched to his chest as he tried to calm his breathing (nerves) by bouncing lightly on his toes as he walked down the narrow aisle.

"_You're all I ever wanted._ Blaine." Pulling up the hood of his jacket he slid down in his seat slightly, tears leaking past his eye-lids again. "You weren't the only one that had been looking forever. I actually thought I would look for the rest of my life. I will never walk away again. Never, Blaine."

* * *

The guitar case made a slight _thunk_ against his keyboard case as it rocked slightly against the wall. But Blaine attention was on the stuffed dog in his other hand. Stoking the fur and tapping the nose gently, the curly-haired boy set the dog down on the box marked: _Kurt's_.

Which he quickly turned his attention to the way that the name was scrolled across the top of the box, tracing it the swoops and curves with his index finger. _"All I ever wanted."_

* * *

Thin arms wrapped around a nearly heaving chest in an attempt to calm his own breathing (and pretending they were someone else's). _"And I just wanna wrap you up."_

"Attention all passengers. The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. As we descend I would like to ask you to please return all trays into—"

Kurt clenched his eyes shut, "Blaine. I'm here."

He was about two seconds away from biting all his nails off. The attendant was hailing him a cab but everything was going too slow. It was already so late. He needed to be with Blaine as soon as possible. Kurt needed to know that he was still loved, that Blaine was loved in return. They would hold each other all night, and kiss.

_"Wanna kiss your lips."_

Kurt blushed. _Maybe more than that._

* * *

Curls bobbed as Blaine swayed back and forth in indecision, hands lightly gripping the top to _Kurt's_ box.

This was really a turning point. It was for the best, but did he really want to go through with it? Was this really endgame?

His breathing got shakier as time passed. _Kurt wouldn't want this. He still loves me._

This though only caused the young man to whimper and a new onslaught of tears, burning hot as they slid down his cold cheeks. "That's the point. H-he... He shouldn't l-love me."

Building up the courage (he told Kurt to have courage once, Blaine needs that now-for Kurt), he opened the box back up with shaky fingers. He did not waste time at looking at the picture frame as he picked it up and replaced the top. This was not a time for second-guessing. He needed to do this for Kurt. Kurt would never move on if he stayed. His ex had made it clear that they could never be together again... but he still lingers. Kurt is still there and Blaine is beginning to slip. He just cannot do this anymore. It is too painful for him.

_And Kurt._

Blaine's whole body shook as he walked towards his bathroom, Kurt's picture hugged tightly to his chest. _"I wanna make you feel wanted."_

* * *

"I know it's late, but could you please go a little faster," Kurt urged the driver. "I really need to get there as soon as possible."

"All you New York kids are the same. Fast, fast, fast."

_Rude much?_ Kurt thought to himself. He really was not paying attention to anything but his surroundings and the cab's speedometer, so the cabby's comment was easily ignorable.

"I'll try..."

Blue-eyes flashed up to meet the muddy-browns of the cab-driver. There was concern in his gaze... and understanding. Kurt smiled gently at the man as he felt the cab lurch forward slightly, the engine revved and the scenery passed by much faster.

Biting his lip, Kurt tried to keep himself from shaking. He was so close to being with Blaine, it was going to drive him crazy with nerves just trying to get there. His man was not going anywhere. Kurt knew...

_"And I wanna call you mine."_

His man.

His everthing.

His forever.

His Blaine.

When the cab turned onto Blaine's street, Kurt could almost not breathe. His heart was hammering again his ribs and his hands were so shaky he almost did not pull enough money out of his wallet to pay the cabby. His eyes glanced up at the house as the car came to a stop. Blaine's light was still on.

Nope. He stopped breathing.

"Go get him."

Kurt neck cracked as his head whipped back to face the cab driver. The older man had a smile on his face as he nodded towards the house, repeating his words. The blue-eyed young man could not help the large grin that stretched over his face. He practically threw the money at the cab driver, as he rushed to out of the cab and closed the door.

Then he remembered his bag. Feeling stupid he yanked the door open again and pulled out his bag, turning and making his way to the house. Before remembering he did not close the cab door.

_I'm such a mess right now._

After closing the door proper, he rushed towards the house once more.

One door. One flight of stairs. Another door. Blaine.

_**"Wanna hold your hand forever."**_

Blaine wants to laugh.

Maybe this was not the most appropriate song to sing for a situation like this. He was such a hypocrite. Wanting to give Kurt all of these things, not asking for anything in return... But here he was sitting on his bathroom floor, looking at_ that_ picture, knowing that he was not going to be around to do any more.

_But Kurt doesn't really want more. He said so himself. We're friends and we can't be anything more._ The released breath is shaky, the tub digging into his back is uncomfortable. But should he really care about being comfortable now? "I don't really have the right. Do I, Kurt?

"You called me dapper, once." He looked up, pressing his lips tightly together as he collected himself before he looked back at Kurt. It was truly a beautiful picture. The perfect thing to look at last. "W-would... would you s-still call me th-that n-now?" Blaine gasped into the oncoming sobs. "N-no. I... I am selfish. And wrong. And p-poison. Th-tha's w-why..." His nose was running and he just wiped it with his sleeve, letting out an empty chuckle, "Kurt, just look at me."

The lightness he felt earlier returned... No. Not lightness.

Empty.

_So this is what it feels like to be empty._

"It's only fitting, isn't Kurt?" Blaine wiped away as many tears as he could get to before rubbing at his nose again, sniffling. "I took e-ev... everyth-thing from you. It's m-my turn n-now." He looked away from the photo, the blue-eye stare becoming too much. "And oddly enough, I don't mind not having anything. Because I know... I know you will have everything one day. 'Cause..." he blew out a breath, eyes clenching shut. "Because s-someone will g-give you the world. E-even if i-it's n-not-t... God!"

_I can do this, I can. Do not back out. Not now. So close. For Kurt._

"Even i-if it's n-not me." Blaine knew he needed to hurry now. His throat was starting to close up and that would just make everything harder for him in the end. "B-but all I want to do right now, is hold your hand. Hold you and kiss you. Love you. Un-until my d-dy... dying day." He shakes his head, curls starting to stick to his sweating forehead. "No. Until the end... of time."

Hazel-eyes open once more, looking at Kurt and his smile; and Blaine stared at the picture for what felt like an hour before it turned to the pill bottle sitting next to the frame.

* * *

Kurt was blushing like mad once he finally got to the front door. He had all out tripped on his way from the cab three times. Three! The cabby had honked at him the last time before driving away.

How humiliating.

But there was this undeniable power he felt now. These hours of waiting (impatiently), and here it was; the moment that knew was going to be life-changing.

One door. One flight of stairs. Another door. Blaine.

_My Blaine._

_"And never let you forget it."_

He brought his hand up to knock, but he hesitated. Leaning to peak into the front window and saw flashing light flickering across the darkened room. _Someone is awake. Maybe it's Blaine._

* * *

Blaine leaned back, the tub digging into his shoulders as his feet pushed against the toilet and his face pointed up. Kurt had always told him that his hair had been soft, that he should not hide his hair under all that gel. There were solutions to manage his curl. He really had not ever gotten why Kurt thought that. His hair was a mess.

Gel broken up from running his fingers through it, his curls frizzed out and nearly grey from the unbound gel.

He sat back up, pulling his legs under him as he leaned forward. But his fingers stopped just short of the bottle... again.

This was not even the hard part! _Just pick up the bottle!_

He had mixed up the pain meds from his eye-surgery and when he had his wisdom-teeth removed. He read about how to do this properly on the internet. You take two at a time for as long as you can, makes it easier on the stomach so you are less likely to throw-up. Then the rest... is just a matter of falling asleep and not... waking up.

In the beginning of the planning, he had thought about hanging but knew that he could not do that to Kurt.

Which, really did not make much sense now.

His fingers wrapped around the orange bottle.

_"Yeah I, wanna make you feel wanted."_

No sense at all.

* * *

Slender fingers pulled the bulky phone from his pocket, bringing it up to look at his reflection in the blackened screen. Kurt worked quickly to make himself as presentable as possible, which was not much more than when he left his apartment. No hairspray (he had been in bed!) and his face slightly greasy from the flight and cab rides, but a grease sheet solved that problem. There was not much he could do for his swollen eyes (from the freaking crying) or the dark circles (stupid sleepless nights), but he gave his lids a few taps anyways. Giving up, Kurt shoved his phone back into his pocket.

Blaine would think he looked beautiful, no matter what he looked like. Now, Kurt just wanted to make sure that Blaine knew the same about himself.

"_Baby I, wanna make you feel wanted._ Forever, Blaine." A sudden rush hit him, making him feel high. So he let it wash over him; relaxing his shoulders and bringing a smile to his face, determination to his gaze.

Finally! Finally, he brought his hand up to knock on the door.

When no one answered after a minute, Kurt leaned over to look through the window again. Yup, still flashes.

So he knocked again, harder this time. He was about to knock again when he saw movement through the frosted glass of the front door. The figure may be blurry and the room may be dark, but Kurt could see they had dark hair and falling across their forehead in what looked like curls... and they were male.

Kurt thought his heart was never beating to loud or fast in his whole life as the door was unlocked and opened.

_Blaine._

_**"You'll always be wanted."**_

Blaine hiccupped out the last verse of the song and sank back. He was shaking so much that the pills inside the bottle in his hand were rattling; he could not even get his breathing under control. This was hard... but he was determined. It just did not seem to be enough right now.

Whether that was a blessing or not... he chose not to think about.

He just needed to let go. Let go of everything.

Including Kurt.

The choking sob that rock through him nearly sent him into a coughing fit. "I-I ca-can't ever-r l-let y-y-you g-go... Th-that's w-why-y..." _That's why I have to do this. One of us has to let go Kurt. You can't do it. I can see it. And because of that... you'll never move on. You need to. Because I will just end up killing you, Kurt. Because I'm poison. But I guess... I know, I will never stop loving you._

Blaine gasps as he brings the bottle up to his forehead with both hands wrapped tightly around the orange plastic. _Even when I... am not here. I will be... I'll be watching you. Loving you._

With the most pathetic whimper he has ever heard, Blaine uncapped the pill bottle.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading! I have a prequel and sequel planned, but have not found the right songs for them yet. But I will have them both posted within the next month.**

**Until next time!**

**-Anjel Starlight**


	2. Hanging

**A/N: Well, as promised, here is the prequel. It is also another songfic, but still no block of text. Please excuse any mistakes, I still do not have a beta. I fixed some of the ones in ****_Wanted_****, but I do not think I got all of them.**

**Song: ****_Hanging by a Moment_**** by Life House**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters depicted or facetime. This is a work of fan fiction.**

**Spoilers: recent season four and past seasons episodes**

**Triggers: suicidal thoughts/talk**

"talking"

_thinking_

_"singing"_

**_"past dialogue"_**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Thanks so much, Rachael!" Blaine said with a smile in his usual excited voice, even if he was speaking softly because he was in the library; at least from what the young woman could tell from the small screen of her phone. "I realize how busy you and Kurt are with classes, but I need emergency advice from both of you."

"No trouble, Double B." She smiled back at the boy. "I was just about to leave for home and I know where Kurt is, anyways." Rachael laughed, _He's always practicing dancing because he thinks he needs to be better than both of us._ "Besides that's what facetime is for. Speaking of which—"

As the young woman dodged the on-coming traffic of bodies (the students may love NYADA but it was still a school, no one wanted to stay longer than necessary), she rattled off a bit about her classes of the day. Not really caring that Blaine had not asked her in the first place, but he listened on amicably (but that's why she liked Blaine, he would listen to her ramble on until Kurt or Finn would usually save him-but really they were saving her voice from being worn out from talking, because they cared about her so much).

"—and she almost tripped! That would have..." the young starlet blinked then shook her head, "I have forgotten myself." Rachael then laughed; the actual notion of her literally forgetting herself was too preposterous; her brown eyes, alight with laugher, turned back to the image of Blaine. "Anyways, what is the emergency, Double B?"

The young man also let out a laugh, but more at her persistence to call him 'Double B'. That's why he stopped letting Rachael watch TV with him and Kurt (back before they moved to New York... back when they were dating), you let her see show that has a name she gets attached to... and she will turn it into a nick-name for someone. "Well," Blaine started, shifting in his seat. "Finn and Artie found Mrs. Pillsbury, and all the ND's are gathering song ideas for Mr. Shue to sing to her."

"Oh!" Her streaked hair bounced as she put a sudden skip into her step, "How exciting! Good thing she was found. You know that you must pick the perfect song! We're closing in on the dance studio now!" She let out a squeal that had the dark-haired young man reaching to cover his phone speaker. "Oh! Oh! Kurt and I will definitely come up—Oh! Here he is!"

* * *

Blaine's screen suddenly lit up blindingly white, causing him to turn and blink the spots out of his eyes. But when he heard Kurt's laugh (the forced one he uses when he's a little uncomfortable) he turns back quickly. Rachael's camera had adjusted to the new lighting, showing the darkened silhouettes of two people... both male (but there was a good deal of distance between them both and they stood like they were uncomfortable).

Kurt stood out clearly. Blaine swears that if there was a crowd of Kurt-look-a-likes, he would still be able to pick out which one was his Kurt; he was just that honed into the other young man. It was beyond what anyone can ever explain. Just believe, because it was true.

He must have zoned out, because there was suddenly someone talking. Blaine had to lean in to pick up what the quiet voice was saying.

"—uh..." Oh, wow. This guy had an accent. "I'm gonna ask you something, and I want you to be honest." Shit, this guy was British. "You and Blaine used to sing that duet together, didn't you?"

This guy... was talking to Kurt. _What duet?_

"Yeah." That was Kurt. _What duet? _"But it feels like a lifetime ago." Oh... ouch. That hurt. "Maybe that's what's hard about it."

Blaine straightened up and brought his phone up with him. _He's still hurting... but the way he said that. Does he still want to be together? Does he still want me?_

Maybe he was getting a little too hopeful...

"You still love him, don't you?" Oh. Dear. God. _I don't know if I want to hear a 'yes' or 'no'. _"Was I your rebound?"

_Rebound._ Wow, did that bounce around in his head for a while before hitting him in the heart.

"No. No." Rachael's phone moved to a point that Blaine got a glimpse of Kurt's face. He looked unconvinced himself, like saying the words would suddenly make them true.

Okay, Blaine was definitely getting too hopeful.

"'Cause I can't compete with a fantasy, Kurt." Damn. He had to give it to the guy... Kurt's name sounded lickable said in that accent.

_Maybe this is the duet they were talking about? Are you dreaming about me, Kurt?_

"I desperately want to be over him. Really, I do." Again. Ouch. But—

Blaine feels like there is a 'but' there, and leans so close to the screen he is nearly cross-eyed.

"Good."

No! Shut up! Kurt was going to say something more! He was! _Kurt, keep talking!_

"Then let's go to the movies right now."

Blaine sucked in a breath, and his eyes began to sting, and his throat began to swell, and his stomach began to knot. _He's not saying anything._ Hazel eyes blinked rapidly from the building tears and the screen distance. He was not going to move his phone away, not until this finished. Not until he knew—for sure—what Kurt thought. What he wanted.

"Oh, I'm serious. We are going to go and find the sappiest love story that we can, and then that—"

Oh. Dear. God in heaven. This guy, this British-accented-talks-too-much-would-not-let-Kurt-finish-speaking-guy (Blaine always let Kurt finish what he was saying, he knew when he had more or nothing to say; it came with the package of being Kurt's boyfriend... at least when he had been, but even now he knew Kurt was -not- finished talking), took Kurt's hand into his. _That's supposed to be my hand to hold..._

"—will be our movie."

His phone screen became blurry... No. His whole world was blurry. It was the tears, but it was the pain too. Never thought he would ever know so much pain. It was the hot wetness of one tear that brought him back from the—he gasped—the hole he was falling into.

_"Desperate for changing, starving for truth..."_

_I thought we were good. It was slow going but we were working ourselves back to each other... Kurt and me, we're supposed to be endgame!_

_"I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you."_

_Kurt doesn't want me. He does, but he doesn't. Maybe—he would never let himself. Ever again._

Ugh! Why was he still signed into facetime?!

In his haste, Blaine almost turned off his phone and practically threw it into his bag. He bit his lip as he looked around helplessly. He was still at school, in the library! He could not cry here. He just could not.

But as he tried to collect himself, his gasped breaths and choked sobs were drawing attention to him.

No. He needed to be somewhere else. Somewhere he could be alone. "_I'm falling even more in love with you."_ Somewhere only he... knew.

_Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!_

It hurt so much!

_"Letting go of all I've held on to."_

He needed to go home. Home was good enough for now.

* * *

No one was home.

Not like he expected someone to be. It was just a little after noon, his parents were still at work and Cooper did not get in from his flight until after dinner. Blaine had the house to himself; which he needed. Because he was going to scream. Scream and cry, and throw things, and punch stuff.

Kurt was not his anymore. No matter how much he wanted him to be, Kurt had this new guy. How in all honesty (why did he have to be honest, why did he _have_ to be dapper) was—"Perfect."

Kurt had wants, had appeals that he liked about certain types of men. Tall. Accented. Built.

The curly haired man had never held it against Kurt that none of those attributes were Blaine, because Kurt was with _him_. Loved _him_.

So here he was, standing just inside his room with the door closed—staring at the full-length mirror his... ex had made him put there.

_"It never hurt anyone to do a double-check." _He'd always said.

Oh, how wrong he was.

_"I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging on a moment here with you."_

Blaine tilted his head, sharing a confused look with... _this_ image. Who was this person? Why did he think Kurt would ever be his again? What right did he have? How is it that Blaine let this person destroy his Kurt? Destroy what they had? Killing everything? Was this really him? He did this?

He did.

With his feelings, with his hurt, with his selfishness... with his body.

With his disgusting body.

_No wonder Kurt is with that guy. He's everything I'm not. _He watched as two hands rose to run through gelled-down curls. That guy did not have curls. _I bet he's blond, with light colored eyes. Green or blue. They'll never amount up to Kurt's, but they aren't hazel. Not burnt caramel or rotting honey. _

He wanted to pull out his hair. Every strand. Every last damn curl. _"Forgetting all I'm lacking—"_ Kurt loved his curls. What right did you have keeping them when he knew the blue-eyed boy hated him?

_"—completely incomplete."_

Hated him so much that he was not even sure if it was hate at all. That had to be why he was letting Blaine back in. Why Kurt was even talking to him anymore, he was not trying to forgive him... he saw this broken, disgusting _thing_ and felt sorry.

_"I'll take your invitation—"_

Suddenly he was in _that_ hotel, smoothing the shoulders of Kurt's suit jacket. He had never responded to Blaine when he said they were getting back together, that they were not nothing. He had naïvely thought at the time it was a step forward. But no, Kurt beat him to the two steps back. Blaine had thought after he and Kurt talked to Tina that his ex had done it to hurt him, take something from him and leave it at the door. _"—you take all of me now."_ It was clear now though.

It was nothing but pity.

_But Kurt wouldn't do that... He loves me._

No, hates. He hates him. Those beautiful blue-eyes only look at him to see a blemish, and Kurt feels sorry for this shell that he has made himself into. Sorry for the man he once loved.

Why did everything seem so clear, but felt so confusing?

_"I'm falling even more in love with you."_

Blaine's face scrunched up and his lips pulled back from his teeth, "Stop looking at me!" His fist shot out before he had even realized he released his hair. The mirror cracked from the impact, circling fragments surrounding his bare knuckles, working their way out in a branching reach. It looked like a target...

And he felt the image looking back resembled how broken he was inside. "_Letting go of all I've held on to._ Except you."

Turning to the shelves behind him, Blaine felt a surge of power, of release.

He ignored (tried to) the snow-globe (he and Kurt had bought it together last year at Christmas when they went to the ice-sculpture exhibit at some fancy hotel, he could not remember the name... probably because they got a room) and moved on to his Disney collector's plates.

His knuckles hurt, but he only realized that they were not bleeding when he glanced at them as he picked up the first two plates.

_"I'm standing here—"_ He simply dropped the first one, _"until you make me move."_ Not caring if he got cut up by the flying pieces, the hurt on the outside could just match that of his inside. He threw the next one down.

Strangely satisfied, in the echo of one shattering plate after another, _"I'm hanging by a moment here with you."_ He threw two more... before it was not enough.

So he swept his arm across the shelf, taking everything but the snow-globe down.

Some more plates broke, while others just bounced and rolled away. A picture frame lay among the mess, cracked from corner to corner. Cutting across the image of his face and completely missing Kurt's. "_I'm living for the only thing I know._ Or care about.

"My leg could be cut, Kurt. And I simply don't care. Because all I care about is you."

His cell phone goes off. He's got a text message. Probably from Sam. Asking where he was.

Blaine ignored it. If it was not Kurt, he was not going to even bother... not right now; since he already knew it is not him.

_"I'm running and not quite sure where to go."_

His eyes snapped up, locking in on his bed. His bed where they had laid had made love. They were the same sheets, obviously washed a many a time over, but Kurt and he had been in those sheets when they had given each other the most wonderful gift... the most treasured of all he had received from his Kurt.

He tore them from the bed.

He would have ripped them apart had he not seen the stuffed dog yanked out from underneath his pillow.

"I'm lost, Kurt. I hurt so much and I'm lost." Fresh tears slipped from his eyes, "_And I don't know what I'm diving into."_ He pulled up the bottom of his shirt to wipe the moisture away from his cheeks; yanking it all the way off, when he realized what he had been doing. Not just with his tears but with his rage.

So Blaine began twisting his shirt. Twisting and twisting until he was satisfied with the tightly wadded fabric between his fists. _"Just hanging by a moment here with you!" _He was waiting for Kurt, waiting for him to find him and help him, save him. But his soul-mate was not there. He would never be there again. Because he was with... someone else.

The scream felt like a tidal wave, ripping over him; he screamed until he was doubled over. Screamed until the physical pain from his vocal cords and his body, from the lack of oxygen, matched his emotional pain. All of Blaine's frustrations with himself, with the boy cheated with, with his family, with his friends, with Kurt; he let every last hurt out until he was brought to his knees, and his breath just sobs.

_"There's nothing else to lose."_

_Because I already lost you._

* * *

Kurt looked gorgeous. He always had a knack for fashion that never seemed to stop astounding Blaine. There he stood, in a grey-wool vest with the blackbird broach Blaine had given to him for their anniversary, black skinny (tight, so tight) jeans, and his knee high boots matching his bright teal dress shirt. He was looking so cool and collected as Rachael blabbed about something or another. Then blue-eyes turned towards his... coyly.

Wow. Unscheduled make-out session, just like that.

He smirked back at his boyfriend and gave a nod.

They were late for fifth period, and Blaine had lost his bowtie.

He found it in the Navigator's back-seat later, which caused them to be late for glee club.

Kurt misplaced his tie.

(But really, Blaine did that—but not really, because it was just flung across the steering wheel. Kurt gets onto Blaine about being mindful of his clothes, "They're expensive, B!" So the curly haired boy is mindful of his boyfriends clothes... as he proceeds to remove them right then. Because really, Kurt is sexy when he is angry.)

* * *

_"There's nothing else to find."_

Somehow, he had managed to walk himself into the bathroom, closing his eyes as he passed the mirror (he did not trust himself to not punch it) and went straight for the shower stall. Blaine ran the hot water until the whole room was filled with steam, until every shiny surface in the bathroom was too covered with moisture for him to see his reflection.

With each clothing item he removed, he let down shield after shield. _"There's nothing in the world—"_ When he was alone, there was no point in trying to protect himself from being seen. He was broken, and glue was not going to fix him; just like clothes would not protect him for much longer. _"That can change my mind.—_

"_There is nothing else..._ because everything left with you."

But even when he was alone, he felt the need to hide his tears. Hide this part of himself because he was still so ashamed of what he did, of why he did it.

Just one more reason to run the shower as hot as possible, let the water run hotter across his skin than his tears were; it did not matter how much it burned, how it was too hot. It felt better than liquid acknowledgement of his shame. That is where he found himself now: feeling like lava was pouring over him, but having none of that warmth reaching him inside, his core, his soul. It was cold, he was cold... in so many ways.

His hands begin to move as if on autopilot, running through his hair and breaking up the gel before reaching for his shampoo. But as he washes and lathers, the overwhelming need to pull those locks from his head fills him again. _"Desperate for changing",_ and as he pulls, he finds his scalp is already numb from the hot water... that he feels nothing.

This just causes him to move on to the next step in his routine; there was no point in hurting himself if he could not feel the pain, which was the whole point of self-punishment.

But as he moves on to washing his body, his hands begin to move differently: clinically. _"Starving for truth."_

Ever since he cheated on Kurt, he has not felt the desire to feel pleasure—let along pleasure himself.

He had though. Blaine felt he had to, he did not want to, but it had been nearly three months. So he touched himself. It took nearly twenty minutes to get himself to even react, and every second he had to work against a nearly drowning sadness.

He did not want it, he did not need it, he hated it, but he had to. He was determined that this was the first step to healing himself.

He only ended up crying himself to sleep after his orgasm.

Blaine threw his washcloth against the tiled wall; it made an unsatisfying _smack_. He wanted the tiles to break. Damn physics and its laws.

_"I'm closer to where I started—"_

Quickly, he hurried out of the shower after shutting off the water, drying himself just as fast. The feel of his hands on his skin was starting to make him nauseous. Sick from his own touch and that Kurt does not feel the same.

Because how could he? He had... someone else.

Kurt (his Kurt) was moving on and did not need him anymore... but he would not leave him. That perfect young man was too kind hearted to truly ever let him go. Even his (not his) Kurt was susceptible to pity... or maybe he still loved him.

_No._ Blaine shook his head furiously. _"I'm chasing after you."_ He could not let himself hope like that anymore. It did not matter if Kurt loved him or not (but it _did_, it so _did_), Blaine could not let him. He was bad for him... his soul-mate... the love of his life. He was bad for him. And no misplaced feelings of want towards his friends would change that he was no good for Kurt, no good for anyone.

"But even so... _I'm falling even more in love with you_," a horrible croaking chuckle escaped from his lips. "Because you're so strong, Kurt. I broke you, but you have found a way... t-to fix yourself." _It's not working... I'm still crying..._ "I know, I know you did... without m-me because you would have never been able to find l-love—Please, please d-don't be in love with him. I love you Kurt. I love you with all that I am." As Blaine let out a shaky breath, he felt his teeth chattering in his effort to stay calm. To not break down again. "I will love you the most. But I'm... _Letting go of all I've held on to—_because it was you Kurt. I was always you."

* * *

They are lying face to face.

"_**I want to go to your house."**_

Kurt was beautiful. With his (too good to be true) blue-eyes and naturally pink lips, his flawless pale skin and soft chestnut shaded hair. He was perfect. And he was Blaine's. And that was perfect, because it made _them_ perfect.

_"I'm standing here until you make me move."_

"Blaine."

"_**You take my breath away."**_

* * *

He cannot believe Kurt had not noticed. He was not wearing his blazer! Notice!

Then his boyfriend was hugging him. (Oh, Kurt.)

"Wait—wait—you didn't do this for me, did you? Because—"

Blaine just smiled at the blue-eyed boy, letting him ramble a bit before he cut in, "Hey, I came here for me."

_"I'm hanging by a moment here with you."_

He should have held him, kissed him (_I should have. I wish I had. Be damned with them all!_). But it was public school, and he was scared. His last public school experience had practically landed him in ICU.

But he made up for it later. With lots and lots of kisses.

And maybe a back-rub... that led to more kisses.

* * *

_"I'm living for the only thing I know."_

The box. That little red box with its ridiculous Christmas bow. The ring.

"If that's an engagement ring, my answer is 'Yes'."

"It's a promise ring... I made it out of gum wrappers—"

"Juicyfruit... my favorite... bowtie?"

* * *

Blaine threw down his towel. He could not even picture that memory the way it went, because he knew back then that there was another box in their future. With a real white gold ring. Kurt would say, "Yes."

But not anymore.

Clenching his eyes shut, his palms pressed painfully into them. _I don't have the right to ever think of that time again. Of that ring. Of those promises._

_"I'm running and not quite sure where to go."_

The following sobs brought him to his knees.

* * *

Why had it taken his so long to realize? _"I'm running and not quite sure where to go." _Here was this boy, who stood by him for these last few months, who had befriended him, who was with him through his stupid crush, who dealt with being in the background that he was not used to—here he did not belong.

_There you are._

Oh, how that hit him, and felt so right.

He was nervous. God, why was he so nervous? _"And I don't know what I'm diving into."_

But then they were kissing (_Our first kiss._). But they were supposed to be practicing their duet. Then they were kissing again.

* * *

It took Blaine longer than expected to collect himself. But he made it to the counter, not wanting to look up at the mirror, not trusting himself. He was weak (Kurt always said he was strong and brave and dapper, maybe those were taken away from him when Kurt left... he did not deserve them anyway) and pathetic, a shell of his former self. Because Kurt took everything that was _Blaine_ with him when he left, when he turned his back.

He wiped the moisture from the mirror and glared at the image of himself reflected back at him, "_Don't_ make this sound like it was his fault!" Fists slammed down against the marble with a wince-worthy _crack_, "You did this. You did.

"_Just hanging... by a moment here with you. _How can I ever look at you again?" Blaine slammed his fists down again. It hurt, but it felt... He felt. "How can I ever look at me again? I just want to vomit." Droplets of cooling water fly from his tossing curls as he shakes his head as violently as his shoulders were, _Don't cry again, don't._

"You make me sick."

When he yanks at the corner of the mirror, the door slams loudly against the wall as it revealed the much more appealing cabinet-space within (he can't see himself, he can't). _"I'm hanging by a moment—"_

It takes him a long time of looking to see them. But when he does—

Nothing special happens.

It is just a pill bottle. Just like the other ones. It only stood out because it was orange.

_"Just hanging by a moment—"_

Then, it was like his whole world was suddenly in color. Because he knew now—

_"—here with you."_

—he knew what he needed to stop all of the pain he was causing Kurt... and himself.

"_**I'm never saying good-bye to you."**_

* * *

**A/N: Okay, not as long as the last one, but still a good length. Anyways, my muse has decided that one sequel is not enough for this story, so there will be two. But just as a warning, if I don't have the first one posted by next Wednesday, it won't be until the next Friday. I have tests I need to study for, but I am going to try to start early on the sequel. I don't want to leave you hanging for too long.**

**Thank you for reading. I hope you all enjoyed it. An extra special thank you to my reviewers, you are the reason I started writing this prequel the day after I posted **_**Wanted**_**.**

**Until next time!**

**-Anjel Starlight**


	3. Reason

**A/N: Okay, well this is a little on the late side. But here it is! The long waited sequel! Not as long as the first two, but I'll make up for it in the second sequel. So this one is another songfic and it is a duet between Kurt and Blaine, but it is also a mash-up. That' probably why it ended up so short. Combining two songs pretty much took away most of my need for other dialogue... Anyways, without further ado ****_Feeling Wanted_**** sequel number one: ****_Reason!_**

**(I posted an apology fic, for this sequel being late, based on Kurt birthday titled ****_Birthday Sext. _****Go give it a look, it's a very sweet little getting back together fic.)**

**Song: The Reason by Hoobastank**

**Song: You're Still the One by Shania Twain**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters depicted in this story. This is a work of fan fiction.**

**Spoilers: recent season four episodes**

**Triggers: suicidal thoughts/talk**

"talking"

_thinking_

_"singing"_

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Blaine._

"Oh... Hi, Cooper," Kurt whispered in clear disappointment, looking past the older man as if Blaine would be just on the other side of him.

"Really?" Cooper gave the teen a sad look, adding a pout for good measure, "That's all I get from my future brother? _'Oh, hi, Cooper.'_ You wound me, sir, _wound _me."

"Coop—" Kurt just rolled his eyes, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks, "You know me and Blaine aren't toget—"

"But that's what you're here for, right?" the older man asked hopefully, "To get back together?" Then Cooper was laughing at the look of shock he received, "It's kind of a dead giveaway with you being here so late." But when Kurt could not find his voice after a minute of trying to confirm, he just got a nod of sympathy as the man moved away from the door, "He's in his room. He should still be awake."

Even despite the fact Kurt did not want to look too eager (and make an even bigger fool out of himself), he ran up the stairs anyways. Only giving a quick knock to Blaine's bedroom door before he burst in...

...and he saw boxes. Packed boxes. A pile of them.

So he stared, confused, at them for several seconds before it registered.

"Blaine?"

No answer.

Kurt moved quickly into the room, expecting his boyfriend (ex—but soon to be ex-ex) to be sitting on his bed looking at him slightly shocked, but happy to see him. Blaine was not there though. He was not in his room at all. _But Cooper said he was up here._

As he moved across the room, his eyes fell on the light coming from under the closed bathroom door, _Maybe..._

His first set of knocks were light but deliberate, knowing his hazel-eyed man would run to the door no matter his state of dress. The door would swing open and Blaine would be standing on the other side with a large smile on his face, _"Kurt." _But there was no answer.

"Blaine, I'm opening the door."

He opened the door just a crack at first, giving the other teen time to cover up (though there was nothing Kurt had not already seen) or prepare himself; but when the blue-eyed boy still got no response and could not see anything through the crack, he opened the door wider.

What he saw... broke his heart.

Blaine was asleep propped against the tub, head hanging over the side and his legs stretched awkwardly out in front of him, bent around the toilet. But it what was laid out in his lap that caused tears to start burning in blue-eyes—a picture. Really, _the_ picture. The picture that Blaine loved the most of all he had of Kurt, the one he kept by his bed side since it had been taken... maybe even still after they broke up. "Oh, Blaine."

He approached the boy quietly, kneeling next to him with a smile, "Sweety, I know this is your thinking place, but it isn't healthy to fall asleep here. You'll hurt your back." With gentle hands Kurt stoked Blaine's face and neck, trying not to jolt him awake and scare him by easing him into awareness; when he did not respond to the caresses, it was just met with a wider smile and rolling eyes. _You were always a heavy sleeper._ "Come on, wake up, my sleeping prince." As he leaned forward to kiss the other teen's cheek, Kurt's eyes caught a glimpse of something on the other side of Blaine's leg. A pill bottle.

An open, empty pill bottle.

His whole body froze, then just—panic.

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, but all at once too. He was pulling Blaine again him, shaking his shoulders, "Blaine! Blaine, wake up!", digging his nails into his neck, "Damnitwakeupdonotdothistome!", pulling at the front of his shirt, running his hand across his chest to see if it was moving, "Blaineblaineblaine."—but he was shaking too much. Panic. It was like Kurt could not breathe. "Nonono! I _love_ you, do _not _do this to me!"

"Kurt... I can't breathe," a voice whispered, "you're choking me."

With a loud gasp, the blue-eyed teen pulled back, but just enough to see the other boy's face, hands still holding tightly onto his shirt. "Blaine?"

Hazel-eyes blinked lazily back at him, before a slow hesitant response, "Hi... Kurt."

Then, he was just a flurry of movement again, "Blaine! What did you take? How much? We have to get you to the hospital so they can pump your stomach! So, so stupid!—Come on! Get up! Wait, can you get up? Do you hurt anywhere? Are you numb? Are you cold? Can you feel—"

"I didn't take any."

Kurt slumped against the tub, "W-what? B-but—the b-bottle—"

"I flushed them."

Something was not right, his voice sounded distant; Kurt could hear him just fine, but the tone was like nothing he had ever heard from Blaine before. "Flushed them..." he clenched his eyes shut, trying to piece together what this all meant; like shutting everything out would make it all that much clearer, "So you weren't tryin—"

"I was—" blue-eyes snapped open to meet hazel, seeing something in them that made his heart swell: hope. "At least, I was thinking about it." When Kurt shifted closer, putting his arms more securely around Blaine's shoulders, the other teen leaned into him in return, "I am so ashamed of what I did to you, Kurt."

"That is no reason to try to ki—"

"No. I know. But—" he looked like he was about to cry, "I knew you did not want me."

"Blaine! That's still—"

"I know!" Blaine pushed away from Kurt, glaring and breathing more deeply, "I was being selfish by wanting you back! By sending you presents and flowers and messages! That I was being selfish by trying to make you forgive me!" The younger teen turned his body towards his ex, "I hurt you. I destroyed what we had. I destroyed _you_. I hate myself more and more every day I wake up and remember what I did. But you didn't want me." He closed his eyes and shook his head when Kurt tried to reach for him again, "I you still loved me. I could see it. But you would never let yourself come back to me. Something like that, loving me and knowing you'll never have me... It would tear you apart." Blaine peaked up at him, Kurt only stretched his arms out again, "I couldn't let that happen. You can't wait around the rest of your life split in two. So I thought taking me out of the equation..."

There was silence for a few minutes before the blue-eyed teen sobbed, tears slowly rolling down his quickly reddening cheeks, "Then I really would be split in two for the rest of my life... and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it."

"Kurt, I'm poison. You know—"

"I know what you did, Blaine Devon Anderson." The younger teen flinched from the suddenly icy tone, "It's what you almost did... you could have... and I would have—How dare you?! I love you! I am never going to stop loving you! How could you think that... _this_ was something I wanted?!"

Curly locks broken from their usual gel-prison fell across Blaine's forehead, "I knew you wouldn't. I figured out that it would probably kill you inside. So I flushed them. But Kurt—you can't love me."

"I do love you," and Kurt said with so much force that it came out more like a demand.

"You can't. Not because you don't but because you _can't_," he ran both hands through his hair, further breaking up the gel when he pulled at his curls. _"I'm not a perfect person." _When hazel met blue-eyes again, Blaine stood up. He could not do this sitting on a bathroom floor. Not where he almost—_"There's many things I wish I didn't do." _He held his hand out for Kurt to take, helping him stand up because Blaine still cared about him, still wanted to take care of him. But when he felt that soft palm, those long and nimble fingers against his again—he let go. He was not allowed to hold that hand anymore, _"But I continue learning."_

"Blaine—"

The other teen shook his head, sharing a sad look with Kurt and made his way back to his room.

"Stop walking away!" The sudden shout cause Blaine to jump slightly when Kurt stormed into the room after him. "You have no right to make choices based on what you think I want or don't! I mean," he hit his fists against the tops of his thighs instead of his ex-boyfriend's face, "look at what happened last time you felt lonely! It broke us!" Blaine flinched back, flopping down onto the bed, "Now! Now you want to break me! Because I would have broken... I would have been broken if you..."

The curly-haired teen watched as Kurt began to fall apart before him, how the love of his life went from yelling to sobbing in seconds, and all Blaine wanted to do was take his suddenly fragile Kurt into his arms and shield him from the world. So he did. He held Kurt through the wrenching sobs that shook both of them, through the clinging fingers and digging nails, through the weak knees and when there were just tears with soft hiccups.

"Kurt, I... _I never meant to do those things to you_." Blaine found himself clinging back, reining in his own tears with difficulty, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This is why we can't be together anymore, in any capacity. It'll hurt you too much." The smile he shared with Kurt was sad, but before he could pull away Kurt clung to him more, his fingers digging into the back of Blaine's royal blue button down, _"And so I have to say before I go—"_

_"When I first saw you, I saw love,"_ startled hazel-eyes stared into those watery blues disbelieving, before Blain matched Kurt's head shaking with his own denial.

"No, t-that's—"

"You were my Teenage Dream." Their lips were brushing before either even realized it, but neither pulled back as Kurt continued to speak, "A boy basically singing a song to me about being in love. You were handsome, sexy... you still are. Charming and respectful, such a gentlemen. Spontaneous! You didn't even know me and you pulled me into a Warbler performance! You were—are everything to me."

Blaine looked down, seeing how close they were and Kurt unwilling to let him pull away. _It wasn't supposed to be like this! Kurt had moved on already! It's supposed to be my turn... why is this happeneing_?, he found himself shaking his head, "You can't mean that, that you... No. _That I just want you to know—_"

But before he could continue, the blue-eyed teen placed a hand over his mouth, silencing him. _"And the first time you touched me, I felt love."_

They stared into each other's eyes, searching as they shared the moment with each other. But Blaine pulled away. "I'll never stop loving you, Kurt. But we can't, because _I've found a reason for me_," hazel-eyes looked gently into blue before Blaine pulled fully away, hands pressing desperately into his chest, "_to change who I used to be._ I can't change what I did to you, to us; but I can change me, and that's exactly what needs to be done, Kurt. I can't be this person anymore. We both need to grow, and you can't do that as long as I'm around the side-lines—"

Kurt snorted at Blaine's football reference, hearing what the other teen was saying but not listening. It was something he did not want to listen to. Instead of plugging his ears, or putting his hand over Blaine's mouth again (because he would not put it against the other boy to lick him if he did), Kurt cupped his cheeks between his hands, forcing their gazes to meet. Knowing the more they looked in each other's eyes, Blaine would eventually get it. "_And after all this time._ Years, Blaine! We were friends before we were together, and now it's just that all over again! It's a cycle that will end when I say 'I do.' while looking right at the man standing across from me at that alter; and I don't ever seeing it anyone else but you. _You're still the one I love_."

"Kurt," Blaine closed his eyes in attempt to stop the tears, but it was useless. "That's because you have not met him yet, you have not met your h-husband... Me changing will just be the start, because I won't stand in your way. It's... _a reason to start over new_."

The taller teen shook his head and slid his arms around Blaine's shoulders, tears building up in his own eyes. It was not supposed to be like this! Blaine was supposed to want Kurt back, they were meant to kiss and hold each other... make love. Kurt just needed Blaine to see that that was really what was meant to happen. There were soul-mates, and if they were not meant to be together, then Kurt would not have come back to Lima tonight, he would have never forgiven Blaine or even thought about him again. _"Looks like we made it,"_ Kurt whispered softly, resting his fore-head against his Warbler's cheek.

_"And the reason is you—"_

_"Look how far we've come my baby,"_ he cut off the other teen off, moving so his chin so it was resting on Blaine's shoulder with his arms still securely around them... but Blaine was not wrapping his own arms around Kurt. Why was this so hard? Why was Blaine being like this? "Why won't you hold me?"

The hazel-eyed teen stiffened against Kurt, quickly finding himself unable to not give into his silent request. It was not as if Blaine did not want to give into Kurt, he did... but he was trying to separate Kurt from him. How was he expected to help Kurt move on if Kurt did not want to let go? _Maybe we aren't meant to let go?_

_"We mighta took the long way—"_ they just held each other, Kurt breathing in Blaine while the other tried not to do the same, he would just be torturing himself otherwise… but maybe a little emotional torture was just what he needed. So he held Kurt closer, just shy of clinging desperately to him. "But I _knew we'd get there someday_."

Blaine knew he could not do it anymore when Kurt began to try and sway them into a dance. _"I'm sorry that I hurt you," _he picked his ex-boyfriend up by the waist turning both of them so that he could sit the other boy down on his bed as gently as possible, afraid more jostling would send his fragile boy into another fit of sobbing. _"It's something I must live with every day."_

"You don't have to!" Kurt looked deeply into those hazel, honey-gold eyes he had fallen in love with when he stood on those Dalton stairs two and a half years ago. "Why would I be here if I didn't want us to be more than we were? I'm not just talking about after we broke up either! Even when we were together before! I want to be more than that!"

_I want to believe you..._ he thought, shaking his head as he smiled sadly, _"I wish that I could take it all away." _When Kurt refused to let go of him Blaine knelt down in front of him, hoping the prolonged exposer to one another would ease the pain they would both feel with Kurt would understand why Blaine was doing this. That it was well and truly for _him_. So there he was, on his knees before the love of his life, ready to fully dissolve what they had, what they were into... the past. But he did not want to. As much as he was telling himself to let go of Kurt, his arms remained around his waist, "_And be the one who catches all your tears... _because I still need you, Kurt. I need to be—"

_"You're still the one I run to."_

"I need to be your only one!" He buried his face in Kurt's stomach, his words humming against Kurt's buttoned jacket, sending shivers up the other teens body. "But I can't! Because I can't forgive myself! _That's why I need you to hear... _you shouldn't forgive me either Kurt."

Gelled down curls were petted gently as Blaine cried against his ex's abdomen, Kurt's knees pressing firmly into his shoulders. It was a sad moment, but Kurt was enjoying it. He was holding Blaine, comforting him. Knowing Blaine still loved him, needed him and he would let go of this hate for himself if he would just see that Kurt had already done so too. That Kurt was as open hearted to Blaine as he had been when the other teen had said Kurt moved him. _"The one that I belong to—"_

Blaine's head snapped up between Kurt's hands, eyes widened with shock. Kurt just smiled softly, fondly down at the boy he loved. This boy... this _man_, was his just as much as Kurt was his. And maybe he was ready to see that now.

_"You're still the one I want for life."_

"I—" Blaine took a in a deep breath, letting his eyes flutter as he tried to get the courage to uncork those feeling he tried to seal away when he decided to take those pills, then again when he flushed them. "I always wanted to be the one to propose to you, Kurt. I fantasized about it a lot."

"This better not be how you do it," he snorted and glared down at Blaine, his fingers digging into the soft hairs at the nape of the other teen's neck. "It doesn't matter how glad I am that you are coming to your senses about us now. I refuse to allow you to ask me to marry you after we have been crying, _that_ is supposed to come afterwards." Blaine laughed, leaning up so that his fore-head was even with Kurt's chest; which he proceeded to lean against, listening to that heart that was letting him back in. _"You're still the one—"_

_"I'm not a perfect person,"_ he was changing the tone of the song, to fit this new mood between them both.

Kurt shook his head, hair beginning to come loose from his coif and fall against his fore-head; causing Blaine to just want it mess it all up, because it Kurt did not need hair-products to make him beautiful... it just made him Kurt. _"You're still the one that I love."_

_"I never meant to do those things to you."_ He was still sorry for all he had done, he did not think he ever would not be; but—

_"The only one I dream of."_

"Kurt, I love you with all my heart." He grinned from ear-to-ear when Kurt began to glare at him, warning him again with his eyes that the next words out of his mouth should not be anything resembling a proposal. _I kinda want to do it just because I want to see what he'll do. But I'll just wait until the real right time. _"There are so many things in this world that I want to do with you, and the fact that you... that you have given me—us a second chance... I don't—"

"I love you, Blaine. I will always love you." Kurt smiled and pressed his lips to Blaine's fore-head briefly, "You take my breath away in so many more ways that I knew before. Yes, I know we'll get into fights," he looked at those hazel-eyes again and his gaze turned serious, "but we have walked out of the worst fight a couple can get into, and we're on top. _We beat the odds together_."

"It is you so much more than it is me. I did nothing to—"

"Shut your face, Blaine Warbler." Shaking his head, Kurt looked out over the personal-item empty room, then on the packet boxes near the door. "You saved yourself. I know I would not have gotten here in time." Kurt shuddered at the thought, "You stopped yourself. Maybe it was fear—"

"It was you," Blaine said, interrupting Kurt and letting his hand trace up his spine in a comforting gesture. "I told you before, Kurt. It was the thought of what it would do to you. You are the reason, Kurt... _a reason for all that I do_."

Kurt snorts, but smiling as his hair reached up to tugged nervously at the hair falling against his fore-head, "I don't know whether I should be flattered or not."

"Be flattered." The taller teen could not help but laugh at Blaine's practical shout, he was just being the ridiculous charmer he had always loved and admired. "Because I will only ever flatter you for the rest of our lives. I will always compliment you. Even when you crash from you caffeine-high!"

"Oh Gaga!" Kurt buried his face in his hands, blush clearly seen around the edges of his fingers, "Did you really have to bring that up?! You were doing so good!"

"But isn't that the whole point?" His smile was almost sickeningly sweet as he leaned up to kiss the back-side of Kurt's fingers, "To still find you undeniably sexy and gorgeous and beautiful when you think you're a mess?"

"Flatterer."

Blaine chuckled before pressing his lips to Kurt's fingers again, "Where is that going to get me?"

Blue-eyes peeked out from the cracks in between long, pale fingers, _"You're still the one that I love."_

"Oh, really now?" He just laughed harder when he received a slap on the shoulder.

_"The only one I dream of."_

"I could live with that."

Kurt rolled his eyes, hands moving back to Blaine's neck, curls tickling the pads of his fingers, "_You're still the one... I kiss goodnight. _Blaine," he was practically panting, moving himself into Blaine's lap with his legs straddling the younger teen's hips, "Kiss me?"

"Anything for you."

_And the reason is you._

* * *

**A/N: Yay! I hope that settled some unresolved "feels" for you guys! I don't know when I'll get around to the second sequel but I'm going to ball-park it to be around two weeks from now, but on Friday. We'll see. **

**Anyways, thanks for the read! Keep an eye out for some on my other stories (two of which I'll try to post this week)!**

**Until next time!**

**-Anjel Starlight**


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